I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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