I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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