How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
