i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
