He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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