I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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