Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
