i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
