i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
