well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
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Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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