We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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