I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.