so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
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Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?