someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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