I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
