I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
