remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
