I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
