i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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