He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
