He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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