tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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