just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
