So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
