Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
