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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
