I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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