everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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