She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
