Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
