I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
