i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
