I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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