I can tuck mytits in my pants
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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