I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
