Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
