I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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