Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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