Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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