I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
