Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
