Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
