You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
