Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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