Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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