His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
