There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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