Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
