literally had 100 drinks last night.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
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We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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