So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
