overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
