Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
