Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
