I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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