he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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