he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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